Friday, November 14, 2014

      Sometimes I do not know what is happening in my life, actually if we are being honest I rarely really know what is happening. But something I do know is my heart and the past few days it has been in turmoil. I find myself worrying about losing those that love me, I find myself tossing and turning all night thinking about girls in africa that do not have access to clean water and education, I haven't eaten in 2 days as I think about girls and boys that have no one to run and wake up on Christmas morning. I picked my major because I could research things that matter to me: but as I research I have become numb. I shut down my heart, I find myself saying stuff like "who cares" and "well that cannot be fixed." just so I can get through one more article but I knew God wouldn't let me stay numb for long...He never does.
      As I was walking around campus today enjoying the first full day of cold weather I realized I did not know where I was, what class I was going to, or what was due today. Panic gripped my heart and I honestly believed I was coming unglued. And then it happened, it started as one glistening tear-very chic and can be considered cute-until the monsoon that ensued-very not chic and not cute. I crumpled to the floor holding onto my sides thinking I was literally about to come ripped apart from the pain that I thought was coming from my stomach and then realized was actually my heart. Every frustration, fear, confusion every ounce of anger, regret, and discontent came flooding out of my eyeballs. What is my life coming too? Am I reduced to a person who's deeper meaning is to go to class? Turn in papers? Get coffee with friends? Run to this appointment? Do this thing? Never slowing down??? Am I forgetting how to love? Am I so afraid of being incomplete and not enough that I will always hide behind the walls?
     So I picked myself up, got in my car and just started driving-I don't even know where I was going but then I turned on the radio and my favorite Christmas song "Oh Come oh come Emanuel" came on and the thought hit me....OH COME OH COME EMANUEL WE NEED YOU!!!!! And then I realized he has come, he has loved, he has saved, and I am ignoring it.
     My life has purpose, it has meaning, and I am on the greatest adventure I could ever embark on, but I cannot accomplish anything if I continue to live in the fear. I don't want to be an adult anymore...I want to hide in my pillow fort and pretend like the greatest villains have hooks for hands and hide behind dragons and magic. But, I cannot go back to those days, I am an adult now and I know the truth. I know that villains come in all sizes, all genders and all ages. Villains attack and sell children all around the world, villains beat those they love, villains run rampant in the streets and no one seems to care. There seems to be no hero of this story. Turn on the news and you hear it "bombings in schools" "child spends Christmas alone" "aircraft shot down" where are the heroes? Where are those that care?!
       The héros are laying crumpled up on the floor of their school quad feeling like they are being ripped apart, feeling helpless, stressed, and useless. Hero's come in so many shapes and sizes: sometimes heroes wear uniforms, sometimes heroes tuck in little boys and girls at night that need bedtime kisses, sometimes heroes are those that mange to keep going even though they are being ripped apart, and sometimes the heroes are stressed college kids just learning about the world around them. Heros don't wear capes anymore, heroes don't always carry a gun or stop speeding bullets with their chest. Sometimes heroes carry pens, sometimes they rouse crowds to action, and sometimes the heroes are those that fall silently on there knees begging the Lord above to change the world where they cannot.
     In the past semester I have fallen into the lies. I have built and reenforced walls that I claimed kept me alive for years, I have shut people out, I have become numb. But about a month ago God sent someone who shook up my entire life. He tore down walls, he reminded me why I care about orphans and those in trafficking, he showed me what love looked like, and he scared the crap out of me. So what did I do? I listened to Satan whisper "unlovable" "untouchable" "temporary" "alone" over and over in my brain. But today I remember what Jesus promised me, there is no fear in love, for true love cast out all fear. And today he proved that, when I felt love rain down on me all the fear ran into the darkness. Light and darkness cannot inhabit the same space and I will live the rest of my life in light. These untouchable issues, these insurmountable odds, the trafficked, abandoned, and forgotten they live in the darkness...and all they need is a little light...but who will carry the flashlight?
    Starting today I choose to carry the light, I choose to live in hope and in love. I choose to not listen to the lies of Satan. Will a single policy illuminate an entire dark world? No. But it is a good place to start. So, here I am today...feeling super vulnerable as every wall I have held on to lays in the aftermath around me but I am so ready. Today I embark on the journey where I don't go numb, I don't hide behind walls, and I don't whisper to the lies but instead I live in the light, I live in the love (from above and here on earth) and I pick up my pen and write one more policy brief, drink one more cup of coffee, and be the hero of this story because there is a cure and I know exactly what it is...."I am captive to this idea, if God is not the cure for the human condition then there is no cure."

Friday, May 30, 2014

I hate packing

       I absolutely hate packing. Something about it seems so final. You can spend the weeks before a trip talking of what you're going to do-all the cute, fun, romantic, whimsical things that make the trip (and the leaving) seem so exciting, almost magical. But once you put everything into a suitcase that's it. That's your life for the next few weeks-just me and this big blue bag of stuff. Why do I have so many clothes?! I'm really not sure I'm ready or equipped for this summer. Too many uncertainties, too many questions. But, then again, these are the same doubts I have almost every time I pack. Different situations, different bags, different clothes but the same possibilities, the same promise of adventure and change. Over the years I've packed for long weekends at the beach, fall breaks in the mountains, debate trips across America, funerals of dearly loved friends and family, summers that I'll never forget, and countless adventures that I couldn't even begin to list and recall.
      In each suitcase there are memories, people who waltzed in and out of my life yet left something behind-something that still shapes me today, there are laughter and tears, regrets and never forgets all neatly zipped up and below 40 lbs to comply with the airways travel standards. You'd be surprised how much promise, hope, and fear can fit into 40 lbs  And yet, here I am again, wondering why I have so many clothes, wondering what could lie ahead, wondering what I'm leaving behind, and wondering if it's worth it. But it is far too late to change my mind now, so I suppose the only thing to do is zip up my 40 lbs of possibilities and run after every adventure the summer may hold.